Send wine …
Today I’m bringing back the FFS to Fridays because to be honest it just isn’t the same without it … FFS
If you don’t know what FFS stands for I’ll give you a big giant hint – For Fucks Sake.
Two weeks ago I was in beautiful Bali to celebrate my Dad’s 60th Birthday … FFS
At the airport, the most annoying mother and son duo were ahead of me in line and I did my best not to engage with them despite their best efforts … FFS
I was ecstatic to discover I was in row 6 on the plane because as a parent who travels often with kids I know they just love to stick you down the back … FFS
I got on the plane, found my seat and smiled at the distant sounds of tired toddlers coming from the arse end of the plane …FFS
I love travelling solo.
But of course the annoying people from the airport earlier were seated right next to me and within minutes they were squabbling … FFS
Turns out they are married. Awkward.
As soon as she sat down the lady quickly put on her money belt and tucked away their passports and money … FFS
Seriously, who takes a money belt to Bali these days?!
After take off I noticed that she was in such a fluster with the money belt that she had forgotten to put her seatbelt on … FFS
Her husband/toy boy was playing with the table tray and out flies a little bag of white powder … FFS
We all just looked at each other a little wide-eyed and he quickly put it back … FFS
I wondered if the Corbys were on the plane before us … FFS
Not long after a packet of Milo falls out also so I just hoped to hell that the white powder was milk or formula … FFS
The lady chats with me about Bali – is it safe? where to eat? where to change money? where to shop? etc
I told her it was my twenty-something trip and that she had nothing to worry about … FFS
She asked if they could share a taxi with from the airport … FFS
Sweet Baby Jeebus.
I bought a glass of wine, put in my earphones and pretended to sleep … FFS
But soon there was a commotion in the row ahead, all three people stood up and I just assumed someone was going to the loo … FFS
The man steps out to the aisle and then BOOM …
Falls straight back and hits the floor and me along the way … FFS
He’s out cold and his girlfriend starts screaming ‘He’s not breathing’… FFS
Due to his mammoth size he’s locked my arm into the seat and it took me forever to get it free again … FFS
I’m silently panicking and wondering if I will actually have to put my hand up and admit I’m a nurse … FFS
I reach down and he has a pulse and he’s breathing.
The Wine Gods were shining down on me that night.
I still can’t move but I let his girlfriend know he’s not dead and a paramedic sitting in the front row comes down to assist … No FFS
Then a doctor also appears from the back … No FFS
All we need now is an anaesthetist and we can open up an onboard theatre and start stealing organs from the drunk Aussies to sell on the black market … FFS
I stay quiet about my expired medical qualifications … No FFS
The couple next to me start whispering and then they start pointing to the white powder and to the row in front and soon the whispers are a quite audible ‘HE’S ON THE DRUGS‘ … FFS
His girlfriend shoots us dirty looks and the doctor comes up with a flimsy dehydration diagnosis … FFS
I cannot wait to get off this plane ride from hell … FFS
I hop off the plane and bolt through VOA and Immigration praying I don’t get asked to share a taxi again … FFS
Now I know this is already getting way too long so I will leave it here and continue with my Bali saga next week.
Fridays Decanted was formerly known as FFS Friday, but after several years it matured and needed a makeover much like its owner.
Check out my last episode of Fridays Decanted for more riveting entertainment.
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